A Peek Inside My 1st Year+ Without Alcohol
My Unabridged Journal Entries: Installment 1, Days 1-4
I majored in biochemistry. I know what alcohol does to living cells. It kills nearly on contact. But with the brain system and all its pathways, it is much sneakier.
Our unexposed bodies, when first exposed to alcohol, will reject it as the toxic invader that it is. Likely the first time you drank more than you could metabolize, you puked your guts out. That is body wisdom. To intentionally place that poison inside oneself requires some underlying psychological gain. It numbs, it distracts, it creates an alternate reality. It served me in that capacity from the time I was a teen until it had me by the balls in my early 50s, and I was choosing it over joy, night after night. Because drinking a bottle or so of wine on your couch night after night is not joyful. But by that time, it was the coping mechanism that had worked for me, it was a habit so deeply ingrained into my neural pathways and hormone signaling that while I could white knuckle it for weeks or even a few months, it was still there, ready for me to step back onto it.
Until I decided it wasn’t for me any longer. By that time, I was borderline physically dependent, and ready to try anything to live life differently, even though on the surface everything was fine. As we high-functioning drinkers say “Nothing to see here”.
On the eve of what would have been my dad’s 90th birthday, and the eve of Star Wars Day, I was called (maybe by Dad or Carrie Fisher) to share my journal entries here. Hearing others share their stories on podcasts had been a lifeline to me in early sobriety, and I hope to offer that energy to anyone who needs it. So here they are in installments.
Rei is my beloved American Akita. You will quickly see she has quite the attitude.
D1 11.4.22
On another Day 1. I had a multi-day binge and when I stopped yesterday felt like I was going into withdrawals. I reached out to DS1 and DD2 and they came to help me and take me to urgent care. [Note: It ended up being anxiety - undiagnosed panic disorder - as opposed to physical withdrawals that I was experiencing.] They gave me IV Ativan and fluids and a social work consult. Honestly, my brain feels too sluggish to do much planning. I do want to be done with this. I want a system of healthcare that can help me recover from this disease. I have some of the basic things ready. NA drinks. Walks with Rei. Baking projects.
Almost midnight. The sweats and ‘spiders and witches’ as brother D. calls them have begun. Very terrifying since I am alone. Rei keeps leaving me probably because I am twitching and crying out. I am trying to have coffee now so I can stay up until DS2 is back from new security job around 6:00 a.m. I need to figure out how to create a life where I don’t go back to drinking. But right now is probably not the time. Anyway, I can fantasize about the life I can have without alcohol. Saving money, not hiding or feeling like 2 different people, being able to drive anywhere at anytime. I just hope I make it through tonight ok. Having some heart pains.
D2 11.4.22
4 a.m. now. Every time I started falling asleep, I started the horrifying waking nightmares. Sleeping on the couch as I have been having PTSD waking nightmares in my bed. Rei gave up on my and is on my bed.
Since I am too scared to fall asleep, I had 2 cups of coffee around 1:30 and started making cinnamon roll dough. They are in 2d rise now.
Reading Casey McGuire Davidson’s 1st 30 day diary reinforced that this time I need to do something different. She, like me and so many other women, get to day 4 or day 7 or similar and fall off again.
What is different this time:
I have told my friends DF1 and DF2 what I am dealing with.
I have a plan for work just saying I have migraines if I need rest.
I am talking to DB about it.
I know I must keep vigilant.
I am not beating myself up. Through my learnings, I see that pushing against or ruminating is not helpful.
I am going to do things for myself and enjoy them sober.
Week 1 treats:
D1 Took off work and rested.
D2 Try on my Stitch Fix and see if I like it. Pizza and NA beer and movie.
D3 Sunday. Rearranging my closet for winter.
D4 Monday. Order some Christmas pics.
D3. 11..6.22
Plan for today. Positive things: Making cookies, long walk with Rei, figure out meals for the week, yoga. Harder things: Get ready for work, cleaning house.
D4 11.7.22
Had a beautiful yoga class with Ross (Peloton) yesterday. He spoke about timelessness and also agency. Yoga speaks to seemingly contradictory states, I guess I see that whether or not I get sober, time goes on AND I have the agency to do it if I choose. I can’t do it alone though. I have tried that many times. This time, I have been vulnerable, telling some friends who I know have compassion because they have been through THINGS. Somehow, the girl inside me knew to join Expand Beyond Recovery even though I was still drinking. I listened to the Hello Someday podcast and Casey’s guest Eric Zimmer spoke about how we alcoholics (I prefer ‘people with alcoholism’) are obsessed with finding a way not to give it up, until we are certain we have no choice because it doesn’t align with who we are supposed to be (paraphrasing). Casey also spoke about the cycle she kept going through in the hopes that she could figure out how to keep drinking - until her life was totally incongruent.
I get that. Drinking is the outlier in who I am and it was rapidly preventing me from that. Eric said he knew he made good decisions in life but for whatever reason, could not with alcohol. They also talked about don’t mistake the suckiness of getting sober with being able to live sober.
So, yesterday was better. I didn’t take the Librium because it made me wobbly and foggy (ironic!), so I was able to have a pretty normal Sunday. I took Rei to Saltwater to see a different view of the Sound than from the Marina, then to the Des Moines Creek Trail to run with her. It made me realize how much I miss running. Now that I have a practice to keep my spine supported, maybe I can run more.