Knowing when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em
Random reflections on Substack, quitting, and identity
This week, I did a lot of meditating and ended on Sunday with a big Tarot spread meant to be a personal check-in as eclipse season is underway. I will be processing all of that some more, but for now, here are some random reflections on Substack, quitting, and identity.
On Substack.
I am finding Substack a way to truly connect to others about topics that people are honestly passionate about. I am not on social media other than my beloved Facebook recovery group, the BFB. Anytime I accidentally stray into the other areas of Zuckerberg’s world, I feel like I have to shower afterwards. Something leaves me feeling fake and salesy after seeing all the unidimensionally happy people who I can’t seem to sort out from the people in the ads. Is Substack social media? I guess, but so far, it feels very different to me.
On Quitting.
For my entire life, I equated quitting with failing. I know there have been books and essays written on the sunk cost fallacy and why it is not a waste of time if you quit your marriage, career, or PhD program, etc. when your heart is not truly in it, but I have a lot of fixed energy that makes it hard for me to drop the losing end of the rope in a tug of war.
So I am proud to report that I quit two things these last couple of months that needed to go. Hooray! I was set to do a 200 hour yoga teacher training that I had originally signed up to do in January 2024, but was delayed by the organizers to September. Well, now it just doesn’t work in my life, so rather than try to juggle one more super heavy thing, I dropped it.
The other thing I quit was my weekly YouTube astrology forecast. I started this in response to an ask back in April, but I have found myself dreading having to distill complex astrological energies into a brief spiel. Also, being on camera for 10 minutes or so where the lighting is good but also where the threat of my dog barking at the UPS man looms large was not enjoyable. So, I ditched it.
On Identity.
My old one is gone. Dead. Picture the scene in the Wizard of Oz with the house on top of the Wicked Witch, striped leggings and all.
I will need to think more deeply about this as I explore the Tarot spread I did leading up to the eclipse (pictured), but see that card at the 9 o’clock position with the 10 swords in the woman’s back? That is the self position of this zodiac wheel spread. And it resonated with me 100%. The version I had been to the outside world for so long is no longer with us.
Astrology has helped me understand who I am in terms of my essence under all the conditioning and life circumstances. For example, my Aries Moon is why, when I think of doing something, I must get up immediately and do it. It is torture to sit through an impulse to act. That is a factory setting feature as opposed to an identity.
Tarot reflects back where I truly am in the moment. For a long time, I approached my personal card pulls like the rest of my life - like I was being graded. A ‘bad’ card equaled a bad grade, a hard fail in my pass/fail world. My unworthiness wound would shout at me, and I would be angry at myself and a little at Tarot itself. So I took a break until that part of me healed some more.
Mediumship has helped me have compassion for falling into the trap of these things we spend so much time and energy crafting, these human identities. We become driven by fear or trauma, or guided by things that temporarily ease our suffering while we are down here in the struggle. They feel for us up there and don’t want us to face hard things alone, which is what happens when we construct an identity that makes our true self unseeable and unreachable.
I love the list of things you quit. I may do the same in my next post. Thanks for your works and consistency Maria, it's always a joy and inspiration to read your words.
Maria, thank you for this. I love the metaphor in your title. Knowing when to fold 'em is a winner's trick. I'm still trying to learn it!