My First Year Without Alcohol
Journal Entries Days 18 - 21
In addition to my Tuesday release, I share these journal entries every Friday.
Warning: This may be boring to those who have never wanted to live a life without alcohol in it. I am offering these peeks into the challenges and extreme personal growth I experienced in my first year of sobriety because it may offer hope or at least a sort of roadmap for birthing an alcohol-free life. Sort of a version of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”, that standby book all expectant moms had shoved into their hands in the 90s. If you are new and interested, jump back to the May 3, 2024 post. Love, Light, & Joy, Maria Luz
11.21.22 D18
Last night went to (cousin)’s 60th birthday party. She and I were the only two not drinking. I was so encouraged to see her so strong and sober. She told me ‘it just clicked’. I am hoping this is it for me, too.
This morning, I allowed myself to think about when Day 30 or 1 month will be. I am glad I read Kasey’s tips that said sometime during this period, we will want to drink, how she had a fuck it moment around this time but made it through and that was her turning point.
Even though I can prepare, I can’t KNOW. I am committed to the process, the outcome is not our business and not within our control. The knowing is not my work.
11.22.22 D19
My sleep was a lot better last night. I took 2 mg prazosin per plan with Dr. X for nightmares. I vaguely remember my dreams when I first wake up, but I didn’t wake up as often and even though I woke at 4, I feel pretty rested.
As I lay in bed this morning trying to just be, the thought came into my head about (friend). She was saying how she must have to repay some karmic debt and that is why this is happening to her. The thought crossed my mind that that is why I had to lose everything with (my ex). I was gutted and I could have let it swallow me up. I had internalized his hatred of me just as I had internalized white male colonization of brown female bodies. I think I have purged most of that self-hatred and that is allowing my recovery.
It has been an unusual week and a half with all the travel and now Thanksgiving week. I haven’t been as able to do my routine things, but I have kept up journaling and meditation. I am also liking the Recovery Path app. It is very thoughtful, yet clinical, too.
I realize I am still a little sleepy, despite the coffee.
Plan for today:
Prep bread dough for French bread boule
Plan T-day menu
Yoga
Walk Rei
Make Rei’s food for today
Work
Bake bread
Bake more chicken and rice for Rei
Relax
11.23.22 D20
I was thinking this morning of just being a soul along with all the other souls on this earth and how we could make things so much better if we just all helped each other.
I just reread my list from yesterday and notice I got everything done. I slept 5 hours straight for the first time I can remember, despite having coffee at about 3. My skin looks more uniform in color and smoother. Rei seems more content. I am not mad at myself that the bread didn’t turn out how I wanted. I learned and will write down the lessons and move on. I just had a piece toasted and it was fine. Still edible and I can mix it with cornbread as stuffing.
I have a 7 a.m. meeting I need to get ready for, so I will likely write later. I want to reread the first 20 days in my journal and reflect.
Later…EBR Sharing session journal prompts:
This month I hope that (what are you hoping flows in?) I continue to feel content with being my true self more of the time, being curious and patient with how I evolve inwardly and outwardly.
This month I need… to plan vacations/retreats for 2023.
This month I’d like to release… anger, the past.
This month, I’l like to call in … creative thinking about my future.
11.24.22 D21 Thanksgiving
Didn’t sleep well. S. was out at his dad’s until midnight. Also, I haven’t picked up my rx at Safeway for the higher prazosin dose.
I woke up at 4:30 so I took out my cinnamon roll dough and cream cheese so I can get started on my sweet bakes first. I somewhat put together a plan for cooking. Need some ideas for the table though. Since I never eat at the table, I forget! Maybe I can make a little herb arrangement in some apples or something.
I had a dream that I wanted wine. That is the 2nd dream I’ve had about alcohol in these 3 weeks. Not too bad. As I was leaving (cousin’s) party and she told me ‘it just clicked’, I did the math and she has been sober 1.5 years now. I feel like it has clicked with me, but I have quit for periods before so I need to be vigilant.
I guess the difference now is that I know I am not someone who drinks. Drinking makes me into a different person, someone I don’t want to be. Already, I am sometimes someone I don’t want to be, but drinking makes it 1000x worse.
I want to keep up with EBR. What a great group of women. All real. Who knew a year ago that I could be completely vulnerable like that, too?