My body got stuck carrying my emotional baggage
And it settled in my uterus
Looking in the rearview mirror of my beloved Mini Cooper, I carefully applied the peachy-pink lip gloss. Walking the block and a half to the specifically (and perhaps pretentiously) Northern Italian meets Northwest little restaurant, I was hyper aware of my appearance. Cute little slip dress and black stripy sandals were like a Barbie’s first date outfit. No stranger to cognitive dissonance, I knew I looked good while also being critical of every inch of my body. I didn’t really want to play the dating game, but if I had to, I wanted to succeed.
Inside the restaurant, taking in the hum of conversations and smell of fresh bread dipped in olive oil, I waited by the maitre’d stand, and I could feel some eyes on me. That was the point of literally getting dolled up, right, yet it made heat rise up my neck and cheeks, and I kept my head down looking at my phone to avoid actually seeing the stares I was feeling.
I didn’t know it at the time, but my range of available feelings was specific to the role I was in at the given moment. So maybe I called it “anticipation” at the time rather than discomfort. I had gone out for a drink here or coffee there with a few men from a dating app, but this was the first one I agreed to meet for dinner.
It was a perfect early summer day in Seattle, 2016, and my surface life was good, more than good. Impressive, even, with my jet-setting job, ultra-running hobby, and suburban home. My interior life was … what, exactly? It’s hard to take myself back to that frame of mind. Forget about accessing the gestalt of the feelings, because I was numb to anything but the preprogrammed role-based feelings. Inside was empty. No one lived there. I picture all the windows open, a breeze blowing through gauzy white curtains, and no one there to enjoy it. That was my interior.
“Dave” walked toward me with a boyish smile on his cuter-than-average face, atop his 6’5” frame. Even with my heels, I was at more than a foot’s height deficit and had to bend my neck back like a Pez dispenser to look him in the eyes. And that was it. I was done dating, before I really began. I don’t know, maybe I am a sucker for a certain (tall) type. More likely, I didn’t have the stomach for dating. (I still don’t).
While eventually I lost that relationship in 2020, I was left with a consolation prize: a persistent HPV (human papilloma virus) infection, which by 2024 reached the point where it had fostered abnormal cells in my uterus, for which my OB and primary care doc were recommending a hysterectomy a.s.a.p.
I had known of the infection since 2017, but never followed up on it. I had many roles, but responsible steward of my own body was not one of them.
By the middle of last year I had done so much inner work and felt so tuned in to spirit, that I trusted my intuition about not having the surgery right away, and instead treated the infection and abnormal cells myself with herbal tinctures and a friend’s Reiki. I stalled until January of this year, and when the OB reluctantly did another sampling of cells and found the infection had cleared and there was no longer any evidence of abnormal cells, she was stunned.
I now wonder if I was subconsciously holding onto that infection all these years because I had not made sense of that relationship.
The astrological energy of the last few months has been leading us to unpack our past. It wasn’t enough to stuff those unpacked bags in the back of our psychological storage unit. Remembrances started coming out of the woodwork for many of us, maybe via Facebook, or a song, a scent, an old letter, or a place immersing us in an old memory.
It’s time to reconcile our past, because it may be gone from the mind, but not forgotten by the body.
The image symbol for the week of 4.7.25 follows. My essay serves as one interpretation; you may have your own:
The scent of an orange peel stirs a deep. memory.
And the words:
The unconscious brought to the conscious.
Time collapses.
The intangible as motivating factors.
Oracle Card Spread for the Week
Card 1. Past/Clarity on last week: Center and Ground (The Illustrated Herbiary Oracle by Maia Toll, illustrations by Kate O’Hara)
Red Clover appeared at my back steps around the time I received the news about the abnormal cells. It has strong medicine, and was part of my regimen.
From the guidebook:
“She loves grounded action and will happily bolster your courage when you’re acting from a strong center, so you can step out and move forward. Bold but not rash, Red Clover gets your blood up so you can show up fully.”
I think we are finding our brand of boldness, from a grounded and wise center.
Card 2. Present/Help bridging last week to this week: The Turtle and Coriander/Satisfaction (from Woodland Wardens by Jessica Roux).
From the guidebook: “Slow down and enjoy the journey. Avoid rushing toward your goals for the sake of winning. Arrive in your own time.”
While we may be living in a chaotic time, this is no time to “turtle” and ignore your goals, especially those which lead you to be more compassionate, which is a condition for happiness. We have been trained that anything short of an instant result is a failure. I don’t buy that any longer, and my life has been richer as a result.
Card 3. Future/Something to look for this week: Shiva/Karma Release. The end of a cycle. Debts are paid. Choose your destiny (The Divine Masters Oracle by Kyle Gray, Artwork by Jennifer Hawkyard).
Shiva “…is the keeper of karma, and helps us uncover the learnings that have come from our challenges and the behaviors that manifested the challenges in the first place… It’s time to release any guilt or regrets you have about your past.”
While this is a rather serious card, I find that the old stories I have coated in too much humor often hold the most unhealed parts of me. We have an opportunity to use the energy of Spring as a fresh start. Allow whatever is popping out of the fertile ground of your past to be seen by you in its bare state. Is it time to discover what lies beneath, waiting to be understood?
I know there are some new readers in this space - welcome! Did you know I offer individual consultations, such as Astrology Readings, Inspired Guidance Sessions, and Past Life Regression under hypnosis (I am a registered and certified hypnotherapist)? If you book by 4.15.25 using code SUBSTACK, you will be discounted 25% off.
Wishing you kindness and moments of unadulterated joy this week and always,
Maria Luz
That's a cute title. 😊
I really liked this piece Maria. I think it is so true that our bodies hold what we haven’t healed.