When I first started posting about my inner life, an old friend said she reads the posts and just wants to give me a hug. My former boyfriend had a similar reaction when he heard me interviewed on a sobriety podcast last year: “I feel so sad for you”, he said. Both reactions took me aback. Not because I took a huffy “don’t you dare pity me” attitude, but because I am no longer that person they felt bad for. I have healed so much, I am able to experience the me from those other times like a character in a story. I love her and am excited to see what she says and does next.
We are in an ‘8’ year. A karmic year. The infinity sign from a different angle. Until I decided to change, I was endlessly looping one half of the infinity symbol. While it certainly wasn’t great, or even bearable at the end, it was familiar, and that brought a certain comfort. But my heart knew there was another half to experience, and thankfully, that is the space from which I write now. These journal entries, as well as some of my earlier essays I have been re-posting this summer, remind me of the narrow passage I traversed in between the loops. It was at times dark, awkward, constricting, too wide open, terrifying - and I couldn’t see where my next handhold or footfall would be. But I did it, and maybe that is why it strikes me when people who I have known for some time are still inhabiting my old loop, expecting to still see me there, too.
I am offering these peeks into the challenges and personal growth I experienced in my first year of sobriety because it may offer hope or at least a sort of roadmap for birthing an alcohol-free life. Sort of a version of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”, that standby book all expectant moms had shoved into their hands in the 90s.
If you are new and interested, jump back to the May 3, 2024 post. It was getting tedious to type these out (nothing creative in that!) so I am trying out the audio feature. If you would rather read than listen, the transcript is provided.
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