TW for this audio entry: alcohol use disorder, diet culture, pelvic floor injuries, nightmares
I am offering these peeks into my journal entries from my first year of sobriety, which describe the challenges and personal growth I experienced.
If you are new and interested, jump back to the May 3, 2024 Day 1 post, in which I explain why I started this little project.
Warning: This may be boring to those who have never wanted to live a life without alcohol in it.
Love & Joy, Maria Luz
Days 82 - 85
In these entries, I mention a kitchen renovation, which requires a little back story, lest you imagine some HGTV ginormous “PWK” (perfect white kitchen) and accompanying home. Back in 2021, still in the midst of poor mental health and in a period of alcohol use relapse (which began with Trump instigating the storming of the capitol), I was facing an increase to the lease on the condo my son and I were living in as an experiment to see what city living was like. That experiment began in April 2019, and while the first year was great, the second year not so much. With one exception: we welcomed Rei into our family in July 2020.
Having an Akita in a concrete condo in the middle of a concrete jungle was not working, and, looking back, I think my spirit team was steering me to where I could safely face unprocessed trauma and begin to heal, as well as allow Rei to be her wolfie self. Now, if you recall, in early 2021 many people with kids and dogs were trying to acquire homes with more space to avoid killing one another. As a result, I had 5 minutes to tour this home and place an offer that would win over 17 others.
To be competitive, you had to waive the inspection, so we moved in not knowing exactly what to expect. Overall, I have been lucky, but the previous owners had used the cheapest possible materials that would pass as normal in marketing pictures. The kitchen counter wasn’t really a countertop, but cheap wood sprayed gray. It was impossible to clean and started staining and chipping within a couple of weeks. I love baking and at the time was cooking not only for myself and my son, but for Rei (arguably, I spent more energy on cooking her food!), so I had to do something about it.
I will skip to the punchline, but the contractor was awful. I greatly overpaid for my tiny kitchen and had to have some of the work redone later. However, I take responsibility because I was still behaving in a triggered way and was not able to stand up for myself or to even feel worthy of choosing tile for myself. The part that deserves some back story is that just 8 months later, it was time to tackle the bathrooms, which were also falling apart. Although initially I picked out less expensive materials for my bathroom than for my son’s, I kept doing the internal worthiness work and ended up selecting gorgeous materials for my bathroom, even enjoying the process of selecting tile, grout, and paint colors.
I am so grateful for this home and the growth it prompts me to do. And Rei’s inner wolf has enough wildness to enjoy, too.
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